Flying Back

Flying back to the UK today. Managed to blag a couple of complimentry free drink vouchers for the Admirals Club at DFW airport - I rule! Can't be doing with hanging around the main departure lounge with the great unwashed...Its amazing how much of a snob business class can turn you into!

Anyway, I'll see y'all in Malvern on Thursday. This'll be my last post for 2005. Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year

Scary TV

Following on from the Killer Flu post, its just amazing how much scary TV is on over here. We have the killer flu, the news is pretty much full of scare stories, supervolcano - about a magma chamber that *might* blow up under yellowstone, and last night I watched a program on Discovery called "America's Tsunami - are we next?" (it was sponsored by 'Tide'! I kid you not!) They reckon that a Tsunami ten times the scale of the Asain Tsunami might happen off the coast of Seattle, giving the people 20 minutes to get away. Hey - there would be a good swell, we could go surfing :-)

Well as I fly back to the Uk on Wednesday, I dont think I'll be watching "Carjacking - will u be next" or "Elevator Death Trap" or "Terror in the skys" What time is South Park on?!

Face Transplants

I see the search is on for the first patient to receive a full face transplant. May I suggest the doctors look no further than the women of Hull? There are loads of ropey tarts there that would benefit from such an operation, and maybe the Doctors would consider throwing in some free liposuction - it is Christmas after all.

The Chronicles of Narnia

Went to see this tonight, so here's my review: 4 annoying posh English kids find a world called Narnia at the back of the wardrobe, they fight a war with a lion and some beavers against some chick who was in Lord of the Rings. They win and make it home in time for tea and medals.

The kids in this film really really annoyed me. The youngest girl looked like a cross between Eddie Izzard and Pink (although those two are the same person anyway - I reckon) The older girl looked like she had had colegen (sp?) implants in her lips already, and the two lads looked like a right pair of ponces

I'd give it about 4 out of 10, its no Harry Potter and certainly its no Lord of the Rings.

Note to Americans: We all really do all talk like that (thats why y'all think Im Australian) and we all really do live in castles.

Other footnote: Aparently CS Lewis was visiting his mate in Malvern one winter (a bit like Id visit mike for a pint) and it was snowing and he saw the lamps on that road in Malvern Wells, which gave him the inspiration for the light in the snowing forest in Narnia, so there you go.

Bird Flu

What is it with bird flu? All the reports on TV and radio from so called 'experts' say that we should be worried. George Bush has been quoted as saying that the mortality rate for this 'disease' is probably 50%, which means that one person in two will die from it. Well anyone with an ounce of sense who is willing to look into these figures will realise this is just another heap of bullshit falling out of the presidents mouth. Ill explain why its a load of rubbish in a minute...but first, the trailers on TV are extoling 'Why we should be afraid of the Killer Flu'

'Killer Flu'??! Jeez, Michael Moore was so right in Bowling for Columbine when he said the media likes to keep the population scared. Total world population = 6 billion. Number of people who have (probably) died of Bird Flu (world wide) = 6, "Run for the hills Ma Barker!" We're all doomed!

Right, President Bush, reckons a 50% mortality rate. This is why hes the dumbest bloke on the face of the world. Everyone in Asia who has been diagonosed (definately) with Bird Flu, 1 in 2 have died. This does not account for those who have had milder forms of the disease who have not been diagnosed (ie those with antibodies) also, as a virus pandemic spreads, in evolutionary terms, it gets weaker. (sorry Right Wing religious types, but evolution does exist, and virus's prove it
get over it you chumps!) It gets weaker, because otherwise it would be virus suicide - no virus wants to kill off every host!

So proper experts reckon that a virus would kill, at most 1% (not even the 1918 virus killed 1%)

I cant believe the scaremongering tactics of the media. Do your own research, trust no one!

Sarah Jessica Parker is Ugly

I never watched one episode of Sex and the City. I watched about 10 minutes of one once, and I could tell it was shite. From the 10 minutes I saw, the main plot seemed to revolve around 3 old bags trying to get laid.

However, I read and heard in the 'popular' media that the 3 women at the centre of this 'hit' were deemed to be sexy. By whom, I ask? From the 10 minutes I saw they looked like women of 'financially negotiatable effection'

Anyway, it seems SJP is now in some film or other, where she plays some old bag trying to get laid. I think she'll have a job though, as she looks about 50, has bad skin, bad hair and looks like shes had bad plastic surgery.

I've been meaning to post this for days, but I always seem to forget! Anyway, thanks for listening :-)

The Beer and Chocolate Diet

I reckon the quickest way to make an easy buck over here is to get into the diet industry. Everyone knows they don't work, yet year after year people buy into all kinds of nutritional nonesense.

These people feed (ho ho, great pun!) on peoples misery with false promises of massive weight loss, so I've decided to jump on the bandwagon, which is obviously groaning under the morbidly obese people on it, and devise my own diet.

After several minutes of thought, I came up with the Beer and Chocolate Diet. The beer will appeal to your average fat bloke, and the chocolate is there for the ladies.

I decided to test out the diet, which goes like this....

1. Make sure you live at least a 30 minute walk from the liquor store (thats an Off Licence in the UK)

2. Get a pair of trainers. Just going out and buying a pair will give you a sense of actually doing something other than walking over to the fridge for antoher cake. It will also mean you walk around a few shops.

3. If you can bend over far enough, put your trainers on. If not, get someone to do it for you.

4. Walk to the Liquor store

5. Buy Beer and Chocolate. Make sure you don't buy one of those sissy 4 packs, because if you're like me, you will have probably necked them on your way home. Make sure you get at least an 18 pack, then it will be harder to carry on the way home

Obviously the chocolate is optional, but I find it gives me the energy and the endorphins to make it home.

I bought an 18 pack of Michelob Ultra, which has the added bonus of being a Low Carb beer, so this would obviously be the ideal choice for those of you doing the Atkins diet. And 18 cans all weighing 12fl oz, adds up to quite a weight, I can tell you! So by the time I'd got home, not only had I done 1 hour of intensive Cardiovascular exercise, I had also managed half an hour of upper body strength training. Even if I hadn't been walking, just the thought of getting home and sinking a few of these cans got my pulse racing.

I think this is the diet of the future, and the scam that will make me a millionaire. But as with most diets you will get the Nay-Sayers who reckon its bad for you to lose all that weight simply by drinking beer and eating chocolate. They would probably say that beer has a negative effect on your liver, blah blah, memory loss, blah blah, kidneys etc.

Well I say to those people (as I struggle to stuff more money into my wallet) "Have you ever seen a fat alcoholic?" No, there you go, you see. just look at how slim George Best was when he died.

And anyway, its a scientific fact (probably) that alcohol blocks the bodies absorbsion of vital nutrients, which probably includes fat. Well, there will likey be a couple of years where the beer and chocolate diet is at the top of the best seller lists on both sides of the atlantic, then it will probably slip out of vogue, but who cares - Ill be rich and fat!

In an interesting foot note to this light hearted post: I heard on the radio the other day that the Atkins brand is in the top 3 hated brands in America. (Martha Stewart was number 1, Atkins number 2 and I can't remember what number 3 was) Oh how the mighty have fallen (quite literally as Dr Atkins fell over and banged his head, killing himself the other year - he was probably following the Beer and chocolate diet and fell over when he was pissed!)

Shopping Trip

Went shopping today...to the Galleria in Dallas, a couple of miles from where I live. This place is really really posh. Of course I didn't realise just how posh, but luckily I was dressed in my old jeans and 'Drunken Monkey' T shirt with old clapped out trainers on, so I fitted in almost seamlessly with the great and the good of Dallas. I started my shopping expedition in Saks of Fifth Avenue (It even sounds posh doesn't it?!) and I decided that I should look for shoes. I saw a really nice pair...of shoes, so I checked them out, I almost laughed out loud when I saw the price tag...$450!! Thats over 200 quid. I mean, dont get me wrong, they were nice shoes, but no different from the kinds of shoes you can get from Next or Gap etc.

So anyway, I moved on to the jeans section - $202 dollars for a pair of LaCoste jeans....thats around 100 quid. I decided to shop around a little bit more!

The place had an ice rink installed on the lower floor, with a big christmas tree in the middle, which was quite cool. I ended up getting some jeans from Guess and a top and a belt, all for $130 dollars. I was quite surprised to find that a 32" waist was really quite big on me. The Calvin Klein ones I got from Florida are 32" and they fit me ok. Well, it seems Im down to a 31" waist now, so looks like all the gym work is paying off!

Texan Veggie Delight - Beef.

Had lunch at a mexican restaurant last week in Greenville. I understand now, why Texas is up there in the league of enormous people. I've never seen so many lard buckets in one place before.

Anyway, after scanning the menu for veggie items, I realised the only thing I could have was "2 cheese enchilada's with a beef Taco" Obviously minus the beef taco. Its quite a simple order...right?

Wrong....

Miguel the waiter waddles up....

"I'd like the cheese enchilada's but with no beef taco. I dont eat meat, so just the cheesy things please"

"Huh? Would you like a chicken taco instead?"

"No, I dont eat meat"

"Oh right, cheese enchilada"

"Yes, with no taco, no meat"

"Erm Ok"

Everyone at the table commented that he would get it wrong. 10 minutes later the food turned up...it looked like he might have got it right, no taco on the plate. So I cut open the enchilada. Funny i thought, that looks like meat. My mate tasted it and lo and behold it was!

I called Miguel over and said, "I ordered cheese enchilada's - whats this?" (I should have grabbed him by his lapels and in my best Mexican accent said "Hey...Whats theeees Gringo?" before spitting in the dish - just like u see in mexican westerns!)

"Oh its cheese and meat"

"But I don't eat meat"

"Yea, but its only got a little bit of meat in"

"I DON'T EAT MEAT!"

"You just want cheese then?"

"Well that is what I ordered"

I swear that when he took it back to the kitchen I heard the chef shouting "Bastard Eeeenglaish" and lots of spitting noises (Just like in Mexican films!) Im great at international relations, I am. Ten minutes later when everyone else had finished their meals, I got mine. How retarded can some people get? No wonder he works as a waiter in Greenville

Needless to say, I didn't tip. I will be donating 2 dollars to the American retard society - they need all the cash they can get

Whiskey Galore!

Decided to check out the local liquor store tonight, purely for research purposes, you understand! And I do have the day off tomorrow...

Walked out with a bottle of red and a bottle of white, and a bottle of Grants :-) It seems so long since I had a proper beer...my liver must think its christmas. Oh no, wait, if my liver thought it was Christmas, it would be expecting to be assulted with alcohol....in that case then, I'd better open the whiskey, don't wanna disappoint my liver.

By the morning, the liver will know Im back in charge!

And another thing, while Im on my first glass and before I get too much in a rant mode...Why oh Why is Tony Blair still in power? When he is so obviously a lying twat? (I know my dad reads this, but Im sure he wont mind if I call Blair a lying twat, he might moan a bit if I call him a slippery little cun...*connection lost*)

Anyway, back on topic...Why is he a lying twat I hear you ask? Well you would ask wouldn't you because Blair has worked his Jedi mind trick on most of the British electorate, but here's why:

The Ministerial Code of Practice says of Ministers of the Crown:

"it is of paramount importance that Ministers give accurate and truthful information to Parliament, correcting any inadvertent error at the earliest opportunity. Ministers who knowingly mislead Parliament will be expected to offer their resignation to the Prime Minister"

So, basically, MPs arent allowed to lie to the House of parliament.

So when asked on June 8th by Simon Burns MP, "Will the Prime Minister tell us if the UK rebate is negotiable?"

Blair replied "The UK rebate will remain and we will not negotiate it away. Period."

Is that so, Mr Smiley, shit-faced cock-meister? So why did I read last week on the BBC news website that you are signing away at least 15% of it?

Well I was brought up to know the difference from truth and lies, and that to me is a bare faced lie. By the rules, he is supposed to correct that or resign.

But no, he's still there in number 10, erroding the Englishmans right to protest, only the other week, the first protester to be successfully prosecuted for protesting within 1KM of parliament. This stupid 'law' is one of a set of measures designed to curtail human rights and civil liberties brought in under the vague pretence that they will prevent terrorism. The rights and liberties being abused include the right to assembly, the right to protest, the right to free speech and the right to trial by jury.

The woman, a 25 year old peace protester, was arrested for standing outside the Downing Street gates (which, by the way, is right by the cenotaph), reading out the names of British soldiers killed in Iraq since the start of the war. How does that make her a terroist??! Does that mean if someone reads out a 'roll of honour for the war dead on Nov 11 they can be arrested for being a subversive terrorist intent on bringing down the Blair Junta?

Well anyway, as far as Im concerned he should just do us all a favour and kill himself and that grinning harpy of a wife of his, Cherie Booth. But failing that as he is a Minister of the Crown, Ill be happy to accept his resignation.

But why arent the parties of the opposition screaming for his resignation? Why isn't Gordon Brown screaming for him to go?! What happened to the politics of opposition in England?

Thanks for listening :-D I'll probably end up having a bizzare 'accident' now...and I dont mean in my trouser!

The Drive in

Got up this morning and it didn't look too bad outside - no snow on the ground anyway. Got to my car via the ice rink that was the street, and it took 10 minutes to defrost the windscreen. I thought the roads would probably be ok once I got onto the I-635 and the I-30. Well I was wrong! The roads were like glass right up until I got to Rockwall.

I ploughed on, past the retards in their 4x4's that had smashed into the intersection. They seem to think that just because they have a big truck they are immune from ice!

It was worth the hazardous trek in, because when I got here, hardly anyone else was in, which meant I had the left over cakes to myself!

Cold Snap and Snacks

The cold weather that has been forecast this week turned up at lunch time today. We have had some freezing rain and here in Addison a very slight smattering of snow. The gritters were out in force too, which surprised me, because by all accounts Texas very rarely freezes.

It was quite funny seeing a lot of people leaving work at lunch time! "Oh its quite icy, best go home now"! Any excuse to slack off...! Pah...I decided to leave at 3 - when in Rome!

It was also, what the staff here call 'Snack Day' so basically they take a whole load of snack foods into work and share them out. I went to get a cup of coffee at 7:30 this morning, and there was a table groaning under the strain of sugary snacks! Cake...Dohnuts...Biscuits....Chocolates...Cream puffs and tons more. Well obviously confronted with all this cake, I started hyper-ventilating, and had to pinch myself to make sure I hadn't died and gone to heaven :-) However by 9am I was feeling really sick, but managed 2 more dohunts and a slice of cake before I decided I should leave it alone for an hour or so.

An hours work out at the gym soon gave me an appetite for more stuff - I was actually doing them a favour, because loads of people had gone home and all these lovely snack treats would have gone to waste!

Well, I gave it my best shot - a true hero :-)

Phones, Arses and Wal-Mart

Well, Well, Well! Got home tonight and found my SIM card for the tracfone had been delivered! Maybe the call-centre robot didn't want to shove it up his butt hole after all - although when I was on the phone to him the other day, he did sound like he was talking out of his arse :-)

Anyway, went down to Wal-Mart and bought some air-time for it. Of course, when I go down to Wal-Mart, I always end up spending more time and money than I want to there. Tonight was no different! Seventy Six dollars later, I walked out with 40 minutes tracfone air time, a new jumper (its gonna be cold the next couple of days, so I needed to get one really!), a Fallout Boy CD, a shoe polish kit, and a couple of christmas presents.

Well, Ill be flying back to the UK on the 21st, and will be in Malvern on the 22nd until around the 28th. So if you're around, we'll have to meet up for a beer

E's and I's

I've been doing some christmas shopping online. It's known as E-commerce. When I write to people its known as E-mail. If you voted online in the last election, that was E-government. In this case the 'E' stands for electronic.

A couple of years ago Apple brought out their iMac. Followed closely by the iPod, now it seems that everyone is at it. With the iMac, the i stood for internet, but the iPod stands for intelligent (I think)

So far I have found the follwoing with the i prefix:

pod, dvd, river, HD, sight, tunes, dog, Z, Zone, Top-Pro, DP, FP and Im sure there are lots more

Well I suppose if there is a wagon with a band playing to be jumped on, people will jump on it. When you're out doing your shopping, just see how many 'i' products you see....

Interestingly, people born in the 80's and after (and I suppose the 70's) are now being referred to as the 'i' generation. So I suppose the Pod will have a far greater cultural impact than we realise at the moment.

Well, Im off for some iGrub in a minute followed by an iPint...then I may log on later for some e-filth :-)