The Beer and Chocolate Diet

I reckon the quickest way to make an easy buck over here is to get into the diet industry. Everyone knows they don't work, yet year after year people buy into all kinds of nutritional nonesense.

These people feed (ho ho, great pun!) on peoples misery with false promises of massive weight loss, so I've decided to jump on the bandwagon, which is obviously groaning under the morbidly obese people on it, and devise my own diet.

After several minutes of thought, I came up with the Beer and Chocolate Diet. The beer will appeal to your average fat bloke, and the chocolate is there for the ladies.

I decided to test out the diet, which goes like this....

1. Make sure you live at least a 30 minute walk from the liquor store (thats an Off Licence in the UK)

2. Get a pair of trainers. Just going out and buying a pair will give you a sense of actually doing something other than walking over to the fridge for antoher cake. It will also mean you walk around a few shops.

3. If you can bend over far enough, put your trainers on. If not, get someone to do it for you.

4. Walk to the Liquor store

5. Buy Beer and Chocolate. Make sure you don't buy one of those sissy 4 packs, because if you're like me, you will have probably necked them on your way home. Make sure you get at least an 18 pack, then it will be harder to carry on the way home

Obviously the chocolate is optional, but I find it gives me the energy and the endorphins to make it home.

I bought an 18 pack of Michelob Ultra, which has the added bonus of being a Low Carb beer, so this would obviously be the ideal choice for those of you doing the Atkins diet. And 18 cans all weighing 12fl oz, adds up to quite a weight, I can tell you! So by the time I'd got home, not only had I done 1 hour of intensive Cardiovascular exercise, I had also managed half an hour of upper body strength training. Even if I hadn't been walking, just the thought of getting home and sinking a few of these cans got my pulse racing.

I think this is the diet of the future, and the scam that will make me a millionaire. But as with most diets you will get the Nay-Sayers who reckon its bad for you to lose all that weight simply by drinking beer and eating chocolate. They would probably say that beer has a negative effect on your liver, blah blah, memory loss, blah blah, kidneys etc.

Well I say to those people (as I struggle to stuff more money into my wallet) "Have you ever seen a fat alcoholic?" No, there you go, you see. just look at how slim George Best was when he died.

And anyway, its a scientific fact (probably) that alcohol blocks the bodies absorbsion of vital nutrients, which probably includes fat. Well, there will likey be a couple of years where the beer and chocolate diet is at the top of the best seller lists on both sides of the atlantic, then it will probably slip out of vogue, but who cares - Ill be rich and fat!

In an interesting foot note to this light hearted post: I heard on the radio the other day that the Atkins brand is in the top 3 hated brands in America. (Martha Stewart was number 1, Atkins number 2 and I can't remember what number 3 was) Oh how the mighty have fallen (quite literally as Dr Atkins fell over and banged his head, killing himself the other year - he was probably following the Beer and chocolate diet and fell over when he was pissed!)