A Dilemma

Well, this week has seen two women back on the 'market'. But of course, my dilemma is which one do I ask out first?

Here we have Miss Spears. I think shes 23, so only a few years younger than myself. I imagine she would enjoy a night out on the tiles with my good self, or even a cosy night in by the roaring open fire. I can impress her with my garage building stories, and voluminous computer knowledge, I reckon she'd find that a massive turn on. She can talk about shopping if she likes...Im great at faking interest

Here we have the lovely Reece Witherspoon. When I was in Austin with Mr & Mrs Washbourne, we were in a bar on 6th street, and there was a girl at the bar who was the spitting image of her. She was born in 1976, which makes her 30, so shes in the right age bracket :-)



So, you can see the bind Im in. I'll need to go on a few dates with them both I reckon, and then I'll choose. It'll be heartbreaking for the one I have to dump, but Im sure she'll get over it.

Pondering...

Well, its winter, its getting colder, so where are all the bird flu scare stories? Surely they're only just around the corner...

Halloween Parties

Went to two really good halloween parties this year. The first was at Rich G's in Worcester. I went as a vampire, zombie, clockwork orange composite, as you can see from the photo below.
















The standard of costumes was (as usual) very high, but Barry T looked particualrly scary. He used latex on his face to give the impression of being bullet ridden (a bit like his Half Life alter ego, "Orson Cart", after he has been on the rough end of a pasting from my good self!)




Barry T with John B dressed as a mummy in the background.














Alex also looked particularly scary, as the Devil. The red paint must have got every where! You can just about make out the horns on his head. Russ, in the background looked amazingly like Uncle Fester from the Admas family, but he hadn't actually dressed up :-D
















This was Cathy and her teacher friend from Oxford















This is Esther, she came as a dark angel, and although you can't see it in this pic, she had black wings and a black halo on her head















Rich came as a clown. Clowns are scary....















Gaz usually courts controversy by coming as some dispicable human being (usually Mr Bin Laden) Its good to see he didn't disappoint this year! If Rich had a garden, he was going to set fire to his cross there :-) John B sewed all the bandages onto a set of pjamas for the mummy look















The second party was thrown by my next door neighbour, Carol. She really went to town on decorating her front garden and dressing up the kids (and the adults!) The effect of the flying ghosts in the front garden and all the tomb stones looked fantastic on the night.


This is me in the kitchen with some spooks and a can of beer!










My witches hat looks a bit deflated. Im not quite as scary as the rest of them















This is part of the scene outside with the skeletons escaping from the grave. You can see the tomb stone in the background
















Pretty scary huh? As if the skeleton wasn't bad enough, he's being chased by a ghost!



















In this pic, one of the kids had just dropped a hairy spider on me from her bedroom window. As you can see, Im not scared at all!! :-D















I showed them pesky kids - I was more scary than the spider. And no, those teeth aren't fake scary ones, they're my own :-D















Them nob-heads on 'Most haunted', dream of getting pics like this, and when they don't, that ponce, Derek Acorah fakes them.

Soul Tainting

Somethings are so utterly annoying by their very nature, that they taint our very souls. They are just put upon this earth to make our life that little less happy, to make our journey through life that little bit harder.

Some examples of what I mean are listed here.

Being put on hold
Missing the last train home
The M25
Angela's Sat Nav replies (See 'get lost' post)

However, I must warn you all that our collective souls are about to be assulted by a new record that is being released. I was flicking through the radio stations today, and happened upon this vile spew emminating from my speakers. Cliff Richard (if that wasn't bad enough) has teamed up with Daniel O' Donnell and released 'Yesterday Once More'.

It is the worst kind of soppy, over bearing sh!ite I have ever heard, and believe me, I have heard some sh!te in my time (I was in a band), so I am qualified to know what Im talking about. It is fair to say that Cliff shouldn't be worried about the copyrights running out on his early 'hits', because no musician worth their salt would consider ripping his music off. Looks like he 'sucked Tony Blair's Stump' this year for nothing earlier this year!

Anyway, Cliff, do the world a favour, don't make anymore music - ever. Stop tainting our souls. That goes for you too, O friggin Donnell.

Sticking it to the Traffic Surveys

Over the last several weeks, it seems Lincolnshire County Council has been conducting traffic surveys and census's.

I have noticed that people in high visibilty jackets have been sitting in their cars, parked just off the road with their clip boards, marking down things and keeping notes, watching the citizens as they go about their law abiding day. In one car park there were 4 cars with traffic survey men in them. I wonder how much its has cost? No doubt once all this data has been collected, and bundled into statistics and demographics, they will come up with some kind of scheme (read tax) to squeeze the motorist even further.

Also, there have been several traffic census's. I have personally been canvassed 5 times. They hand out these stupid questionaires at rush hour times and ask all kinds of impersonal questions. What has it got to do with them where I started my journey, or what was my reason for being there.

Smacks of Big Brother to me.

Anyway, Spunk Monkey came up with the perfect antidote (see above, click on the image to see the questions). He posted it off, so some sad government spy will have the pleasure of opening up this :-D Also, if they tally up the reference number in the corner with the car registration, thats ok, cos its not my survey sheet!

Question 10 refers to household income. Quite frankly they can f*ck right off. How will they use this data? Is Lincoln about to get its own 'congestion charge' I wonder

FreeView

Got my Free Freeview box today. Its great...its actually better than the one I already have, so that one will be installed in my bedroom.

There isnt even a slot for a top up card so you can subscribe to Television X, so I dunno how they're gonna make their money from this promotion! However, at 0 pounds and 0 pence, the price is right :-)

Im going to post about traffic surveys later, but I have a picture that I need to convert to a jpg from a pdf that I need to post along with my thoughts...it should be quite funny

Im Rubbish at Keeping Secrets!

Got this rather amusing 'doctored' comic strip from Tony this morning...Im sure Scott Adams must know me!

Yep, basically, if you want secrets kept, dont tell me to keep my mouth shut :-)

Water Water, Everywhere

Today I decided to drink 5 litres of water in a 7 hour period. I have done this before when I worked at my last place, but everytime I got up to go to the loo, my mates in the office decided to top up the water, so I ended up drinking at least 6 or 7 litres! You know who you are...!

I managed it in less than the 7 hours, and drinking this much water really does make you feel more alert.

A colleague suggested that I should actually fill up the bottle everytime I needed the loo, that way I could work out how much water my body absored merely sitting at the desk, through natural sweat and breathing etc. I imagine peeing back into a bottle might not go down too well in meetings and the like, but it is something that I would like to measure in the future! I would also test the absorbtion rate after an hour in the gym, just to see what the difference was.

*** Celeb spotting news ***

Was at my brothers on Saturday helping him lay his garage base (bloody hard work it was too) and afterwards we went to a tea room in Lincoln. Saw one of the women from 'Dinner Ladies' - cant remember her name, ut she is the young one, and has been in lots of other things too.

Its amazing innit? I lived in London for 6 years, and never saw any celebs. Then in Malvern I saw quite a few round the theatre etc (see Lionel Blair post!) now in the last couple of weeks, Ive seen 2!

Power Floats

I don't know why, but Im excited about this weekend. I'll explain...my brother is also building a garage, and Im going up to his place on Saturday morning for the delivery of his concrete for his base.

We were going to have to get on our hands and knees to tamp the stuff down , but he now informs me he has a power float.

I dont even know what one is, or even what it does, but it has the word 'power' in it, and as a man, it is my duty to get excited about it. Think about it....

POWER.....Tool

POWER.....Boat

POWER.....Ranger

POWER.....Station

See...all good stuff. Anything with the word power in it, is instantly gives the impression of being great.

"I had a power nap, right after doing my power walking session"

sounds so much better than...

"I had a bit of a kip after I walked to the shops for some chips"

And of course, women are attracted to men in positions of power. I mean, how else could David Blunkett, John Prescott, Blair and Brown *ever* have got laid if they werent perceived to be powerful men? See...

Well, this weekend I intend to be intoxicated on the trappings of power (floats). Phoar, I just can't wait.

Get Lost!

Thats something that I'll never do again! I have invested in an IPaQ 3870 pocket PC and a Holux GPS.

I loaded Tom Tom on the IPaQ yesterday, and everything seems to work fine. I just need to upgrade the operating system to 2005, so it can handle the bluetooth better.

I navigated home with it last night, but it took me right through the centre of Lincoln, which at rush hour, isnt a good thing. I obviously need to work out how to use it properly, but hopefully this spells the end of useless sense of direction (Yes Evo, I know that might not be the case!)

The First 100 Days

Sunday saw the 100th day anniversary of me moving into my house, so lets see what I've done in that time...

The patio and the garden have been completely re-done. I don't have any 'before' pictures of what it looked like, only the pictures earlier in this blog for comparison. Those of you that saw what it looked like initially will appreciate what it is now.

As you can see, the grass has come up nicely, but is in a dire need of cutting!
















You can see the patio and the wall in this shot. Im so glad I managed to break the thick concrete path up. It would have spoiled it otherwise.















The garage is now well under way. Im going to put a driveway in, and dig out part of the grassy bit at the side to make more parking space, and turn the rest of the grassy bit into a veg patch.
















In this shot, you can almost see the space for the personnel door at the side. These doors and frames come in two standard sizes - 33 inches and 36 inches. My aparture is 35 inches :-( I think two 1 inch batons and a 33 inch door is in order. I have just balanced the lintel across for now, which you can just about see.















This is the wall I bricked up yesterday. You can make out the fresh motar, and you can see that I need some kind of brick cleaning stuff















I am almost ready to order the roof, just need to put the rest of the breeze blocks up and put 2 more brick course up at the back.















So, all in all, Im pretty chuffed with my work rate in the first 100 days, but as you can see from this last shot, taken at about 17:45, the nights are drawing in and I have had to stop working when I get in from work, due to lack of light by 18:30. I should be ready to ordeer the roof by next week, and hopefully that should be done in a day. I just have to tile the bloody thing then!

Anyone got any brick cleaning tips?

Surprise Win

Last weekend, I missed the postie and he had a 'recorded delivery' letter for me. I had to go to the main post office to collect it, but because I was at work and just couldn't be bothered to drive there, I only decided to pick it up yesterday.

I was struggling to think what it might be. I came to the conclusion that it must be a new bank card.

When I got the letter, it was from West-Lindsey Districy council informing me I had won the two Ideal Home Exhibition tickets from the competition I had entered on the website! I had completely forgotten that I had entered the competition a few weeks ago one lunch time when I was searching for the planning department phone number!

Its at Earls Court in London, and they are valid for week days only. So if anyone is going to London this week and fancies going...let me know and you can have the tickets!

Free Freeview Box

Anyone want a free 'freeview box'? Ring this number 0871 2710115 and hit option 1. Give them your name and address and wait for your freebie! Tell them you heard about it in an e mail...

The same 'monster munch' colleague was watching Television X last night and heard about the promotion...

The Great Crisp Conspiracy!

A colleague of mine had a pack of 'Mega Monster Munch' yesterday and we were all appalled to see just how much smaller these tasty snacks had got. You can even see from the picture of the packet, that they are advertised as 'The Big Eat' when clearly they arent. Is this just another example of how we're getting ripped off or is it some kind of plan to stop kids getting fatter (If that is the case, its failing!)
And another thing that bugs me! When a bag of crisps claims '50% extra free' they actually mean '50% more air free' Grrr...

It struck me that the same thing has happened with Wagon Wheels and Mars bars (except the king size variety) I remember when you could almost use a wagon wheel as a spare tire on a car!

Check out this nostaligic link, to bring back some childhood memories, when sweets were big and crisps were crisps...

Pop Stars Make Me Puke...

...and Cliff Richard makes me projectile vomit the most. I had to listen to him as a kid, because my mum idolised him (still does, but I think she is secretly coming round to my way of thinking!)

Remember a few months ago, when Sir Cliff (I wonder how much he paid for that honour?) decided to give President Bleeeuuuurrrgh, sorry, Blair, a free holiday at his Barbados villa, becuase he felt sorry for him because he looked so tired and exhausted. Well I suppose you would if you had sent all your troops on a fools errand to the middle east, wouldn't you? Turns out that 'Goodly' Sir Cliff didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart...oh no, Sir Cliff wanted to Lobby Blair about the copyright laws. Turns out, that all the sh!te Cliff turned out nearly 50 years is about to have its copyright expire, which means poor old sir Cliff will hardly be able to get by on his meagre pension. He wants the law changed so copyright expires after 70 years, and what better way to cosy up to Blair, than to give him numerous fee holidays.

Also, rockers, U2 my all time favourite band, are making me almost regurgetate my Guinness at the moment.

"Make Poverty History" is the mantra that spills out of Bono's mouth, and falls turd-like into my drink.

Yes, that would be great Bono, lets not forget, charriddeee begins at home. So why are you pulling your business interests out of you beloved home country, and hosting them overseas in the Netherlands, where you will pay much less tax, depriving your home land of much needed euros for regeneration?.

U2 were the worlds biggest earners through music last year, bringing in more than 210 million euros. They would have been focred to pay millions in Tax to the Irish government, who would have (probably) improved things, following changes in last Decembers budget.

Well I suppose big homes and big cars don't come cheap, especially when you like to hob nob with world leaders. Hey, but don't forget to donate all your 'hard earned' to make poverty history...gaaaaa hipocrisy everywhere!